It doesn’t matter much if the behaviour is positive or negative. If we reward a behaviour with our attention it usually increases.

That’s frustrating for parents of young children who have L plates on when it comes to behaving well. It is hard NOT to notice attention-seekers but if we minimise the attention we give to most misbehaviours they will diminish over time as kids don’t act in a vacuum.

This principle is a powerful one if parents want to promote positive or social behaviours in kids. Basically, it means working out the behaviours you want to encourage and then make a bit of a fuss when you see them happen. Avoid rewarding these behaviours with treats and sweets. Your good recognition is good enough.

If you want recognition to have real impact then take a multi-sensory approach. That is, make it visual (smile, eyes light up). Make it verbal (describe what they have done). Make it physical ( a hug or a pat on the back).

Recognition gets a little tricky with teens who become cynical and also a bit nervous when their parents lay a big kiss on them ( a great way to embarrass them in public) so use your common sense and sensitivity at all times.

Here are five behaviours I believe are worth encouraging through recognition:

• Persistence: Catch your kids persisting when things get tough. Teachers tell me these days that too many kids give up on tough learning tasks. There is a link between success and effort so we need to encourage kids to persist and persevere.
• Restoring relationships: Catch your kids in the act of asking for forgiveness from a sibling or friend when they have done the wrong thing. “I hurt you I know. Do you forgive me?” has greater meaning and greater restorative impact than a quick “I’m sorry.” Patching things up is real life skill to develop.
• Solving conflict amicably: The next time your kids resolve conflict without resorting to physical means make a bit of fuss and give their method a name. “You guys worked out the computer usage really well. You are taking it in turns. That’s what I call a compromise.”
• Showing generosity: Have your antennae up as a parent to notice little acts of generosity and kindness that children show to others each day. Those kids who think and act ‘we’ not ‘me’ tend to be more pleasant to be around and also, I believe, are less likely to be perfectionists.
• Impulse-control:  There is a logical correlation between delaying gratification and success. That is, those kids who behave well even when it is hard, put off having an ice cream until after dinner, and do their homework before relaxing are more likely to experience success as students and later as adults as they can put off self-gratification. This is an interesting concept these days as the gap between a child wanting something and having it has shrunk to milliseconds.

On a practical level you can’t notice every behaviour all the time. You need to focus on just one or two positive behaviours at a time.  I suggest you pick a couple of behaviour that you want to encourage for a two or three days and then tune your antennae to notice those behaviours.  This is a good exercise for you as a parent.

Then, don’t wait until kids do those behaviours perfectly before you catch them being good. Close approximations will do.

Oh, and you may wish to work out a few well-chosen phrases that you will use beforehand. That way you won’t become tongue-tied when you kids do the right thing. Have fun.

Click on Parenting Ideas for more articles by Michael Grose featured here at Planet Preschool or visit his website at  www.parentingideas.com.au.